Your dad touched me again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
