Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize