Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
