i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
