come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's never too late to be topless.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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