Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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