we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
