My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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