I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
