You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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