If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
