I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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