I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
