my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
