I think i sorta joined a cult last night
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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