wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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