I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
