So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
