did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize