my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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