I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
