Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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