Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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