I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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