I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
