WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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