You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
