I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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