i need an iv and a liver transplant
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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