Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
