I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
