Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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