is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
