My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize