Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
