I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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