My underwear smells like fireworks.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize