Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
