so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
