Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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