dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
