i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
