I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
