I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
