I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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