I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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