He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
