fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize