My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
