The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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