I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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