The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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