I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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