How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
