It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
