It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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