now i know why i became what i already was.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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