What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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