I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
