I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
