I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was born a porn star she said
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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