dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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