he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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