If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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