I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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